I hate the illusion of the “perfect mom” because I can’t even hold that together. I don’t do posed “candid” shots of perfect happy and clean babies. I don’t have them dressed in matching clothes holding little signs with their ages on them. I have friends who manage it and, honestly, it’s annoying. I know they aren’t perfect, mostly because no one is perfect. That does not make it less annoying that they choose to pretend to be perfect instead of honesty.
A good chunk of that evolves from my own issues. I have never felt any part of me was worth looking at, whether physically or otherwise. I have never thought that I was worth anything, to anyone, for any reason.
No one told me that. Many people have even tried to convince me I was wrong to think so badly about myself. I believe them but only because I don’t think they would lie to me. It never helps though. as much as they want to help, I am the only person in the world who can control what goes on in my head…except that I can’t.
I know there is a saying about being our own worst enemies, and I know it’s right. I am generally the only person who tells me I can’t do whatever I want to do.
I was a theatre major, but I stopped trying after graduating because I had to move home. I didn’t see any way to get into the local theatre as all my connections were in Seattle. I didn’t think anyone here would want to have me.
The bigger problem is this extends to being a mom and so, affects my children. My oldest son had a lot of issues in Kindergarten last year, and not just the pandemic. I blamed myself for it. I could list everything I had ever done wrong as a mom, and probably a few things I didn’t. I can see him doing the things I do when I can’t control my anxiety.
Then, I see my friends and their promoted perfection, and it makes me feel worse. It’s like I have no one I can relate to about being a mom because, according to what they let the world see, they don’t have issues. I just need someone to talk to about getting from point “a” to point “b” without damaging my kids and not beating myself into the ground.
Being a mom right now is hard. We have to juggle all the expectations of society regarding being a mom and being a woman. Don’t let anyone tell you they are the same list. They aren’t.
The fact I hate myself entirely doesn’t help. I hate I’m so horridly out of shape and overweight. I hate I can’t seem to find it in me to get in shape. I hate everything I say and do. I hate the way I can’t stop hating myself.
This isn’t a plea for help, encouragement, or anything else. It’s just a vent and hopefully creates a forum to discuss the topic with others who may have the same issue.
I am tired of doing this alone.
– Just One Mom