Six Months Missing

I stepped away from this blog, unconsciously, just before Christmas. It later became less unconscious and more desperate.

Over the past several months I got my first grader through first grade distance learning, I dealt with the queen of the temper tantrum (my 5 year old), and did a lot of thinking.

Generally speaking, I haven’t been particularly happy in my life. I love my kids. I love my husband. We have a multitude of issues to work through, but we will.

I am not happy because, for years, I haven’t been me. So, I started painting, writing a book, I opened a shop on Etsy selling repurposed jewelry.

I simply want a purpose outside of being the faceless servant that is “mommy” and “wife.” I try. I enjoy it. Its not really working.

I love writing, painting, being creative. Unfortunately, these hobbies take take away from the work I need to be doing. Dishes, laundry, cooking, and cleaning up all suffer and fall behind when I take time for myself.

I have been under a heavy load for the past year or so, we all have, and I have been cracking and crumbling under the weight.

My relationships suffer. My self care suffers. My mood and well being suffer. My kids suffer. I suffer.

I can’t find a balance. There is no peace or rest. My heart aches for everything I want out of life but am not allowed to want.

I am going to try to blog more now. I’m going to try to get back to me.

– Just One Mom

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